As I sit here listening to the birds and feeling the beautiful breeze, I am filled with joy, awe of God, and a few happy tears. I did it—and it was GOOD! I feel empowered and alone, but not lonely. That is gold to me.

I recently returned from a trip to Mexico completely by myself. After being widowed over three years ago, I knew I needed to embrace my loneliness and become comfortable vacationing alone. I longed for God to be my husband (“For your Maker is your husband—the Lord Almighty is His name" Isaiah 54:5). I knew this truth in my head, but I didn’t know how to get it into my heart.

John 15:5 says, “I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit—for apart from me, you can do nothing.” I had six days to abide, and that became my focus.

I asked myself during this trip, “How am I going to follow Jesus?” Peter denied Jesus three times, and then, after the resurrection, Jesus asked Peter three times, “Do you love me?” On my first morning, I prayed, “Jesus, where have I betrayed You?” I asked for His forgiveness and invited Him to reveal Himself—to walk with me on the beach, to sit with me at the restaurants. I declared my love for Him and longed for Him to heal me and use my life.

I prayed, “Help me, Lord, to truly die to myself and follow You in all areas of my life—food, exercise, alcohol, service. I lay all my struggles at Your feet.”

As the sun rose that first morning, I found myself alone on vacation for the first time ever, but I didn’t feel lonely. God was allowing me to experience the difference. Even when memories of Alan and our past vacations surfaced, instead of loss, I felt joy and gratitude for those times.

In the early days of the trip, God quieted the conversations around me. I’m comfortable in social settings, but He wanted me uncomfortable. Surrounded by a foreign language, I focused, prayed, and leaned into the silence. If I had filled the space with chatter, I wouldn’t have been depending on Him. I needed the quiet, the emptiness, the serenity and beauty of nature- to feel it all and be okay!

Taking care of myself felt foreign too. As a wife, mother, grandmother, and hairdresser, I’m always doing for others. I used to feel guilty if I wasn’t constantly available. But God was teaching me that guilt follows sin, not the inability to do something for someone else. “Guilty” and “selfish” have always been hard words for me to navigate. But I realized the enemy of my soul was twisting their meanings, distorting my sense of self-worth, my ability to care for myself, and my desire to deepen my relationship with God.

So, I gave myself permission to choose what I wanted on this vacation. I walked the beach, basked in the sun’s warmth. I painted with watercolors, read, journaled, prayed, and rested in the arms of Jesus.

I learned that even in later seasons of life, we can do new things. When we seek God, He shows up. In truth, He’s always been there just waiting. I called on Him, and He walked with me. I felt like Moses coming down from the mountain, glowing from being in the presence of the Holy One.

I discovered joy and pleasure in focusing on Him. Instead of feeling envy or jealousy toward others, I prayed for them. God gave me contentment with where I was. I felt blessed by what I have—not burdened by what I’ve lost.

Was my trip fun? That’s the wrong question!
How was it? Glorious. Restful. Beautiful.

Yes, I had moments of struggle. The old Jill wanted to fill all the spaces and “should” herself into doing all the things. But I offered those impulses to God, and He showed me that I can rest—and have a beautiful time—with Him. He proved Himself to me that He is more than enough.

What would I tell my younger self? Don’t always live life longing for more of other things. Lovely things are all around you, right where you are. Find a way to love the life you’ve been given. Live each day with your mind fixed on Christ.

He is everything.